in the early days of seeking for the solution for the dilemma of being a person, i initially turned to psychology. i thought i could un-cover all my demons through hard work and determination and come out the other side happy and content.
well it didn’t take long to realize that psychoanalysis and trying to uncover my “inner demons” was a bottomless pit leading to nowhere. every time i seemed to uncover hidden aspects that were “buried” deep inside, it opened two more doors to even deeper and deeper issues. (i realize now that the individual self is inherently dis-content and no matter how much we try to fix that self, the individual will still be discontent and seeking happiness elsewhere).
but i still knew that i had to keep trying something, keep trying to figure it out. i knew humans were not meant to suffer and i knew that there had to be a solution out there somewhere.
luckily, somehow i stumbled across the idea to read the book The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, and it completely changed my life. (more about the book here)
in those days i was ashamed to admit i had issues and didn’t want people to know i was reading self help books. i didn’t want people to know i was ‘flawed.’ i especially didn’t want people knowing i was reading “spiritual” books.
i was in a new relationship at the time, and during idle conversation she asked me what books i was reading. i didn’t want to look like i was flawed so i didn’t tell her i was reading The Power of Now at first. but a few days later i decided that if she was someone i was going to spend more time with, i should open up a little and admit that i read this book, so i did.
she didn’t have much reaction on the surface, but at the time i was worried that she was judging me negatively. i was afraid to talk to her for two weeks after that. the story in my head was she concluded that i was crazy, or defective, or weird.
once i got up the courage to return her calls, i discovered that it was no big deal at all, and that she actually had a positive reaction to me reading The Power of Now.
we ended up dating for about a year, but as it turns out she had quite a few demons of her own, and the relationship ended quite abruptly. (see this page about relationship and how it is the ultimate guru to discovering one’s true nature)
looking back it is crazy how much anxiety i had going on in my head day and night over the silly idea that she was judging me for reading a particular book
even many years later, i still have no identification with being a “spiritual” person. but i no longer am ashamed to tell people the books i read or the “spiritual” experiences i have. but i don’t call the experiences “spiritual.” the word “spiritual” can mean too many things to too many people.
as a matter of fact i don’t even like the word “spiritual.” i am just someone trying to find happiness. and i am someone who realizes that this happiness can not be found outside of myself.
-will be updated-